One step at a time…

The most foolish thing I did was letting my entire world revolve around one person for the last 1 and a half years. I’m trying to de- tangle myself from the mess that I single handedly created holding that person as the core reason. You can’t un- love a human being. If you love, you just love all. If you think you don’t, you’re just bulshitting yourself. However, I went ahead and tried to be the love that I am- only with one person, and it blew up all over my face teaching me one true-ass lesson for life. I don’t mean to say that loving everyone is having romantic and/ or physical relationships with everyone. Love isn’t what I do. Love is who I am. Sounds a bit clichéd- agreed. But isn’t it true? Well, coming back to my story- I tried to be that love with one person and i failed, miserably. We fell apart, eventually. Obviously, I still have girlfriendy feelings towards him, even though I’m fully aware that we will never work out. At the same time, I cannot stop loving him or caring about him- me being a homo sapien and knowing the things I know about him. I know that it’s a risky place that I’m in. I can’t care about him being just a friend ,and not having even a single feeling of a girlfriend. For a long time. I also can’t just walk away. I call him once everyday. Sometimes, he does too. We don’t talk more than 15 minutes. It’s usually about how each other’s day is going. He’s even found somebody for himself. To me, all that matters is that one phone call. Every single day. I just have to talk to him. I’m cool with being friends and chatting for sometime. But, what i truly want to do is stop loving him as his girl- see? HIS girl… Ahhhh the sentiment sediments! I want to stop “wanting” to talk to him. I don’t want to grow dependent on that one phone call. I know that I will find it hard, but as my cousin sister rightly pointed out- you take one step at a time- And by the way, I figured out what blogging is all about. Traditionally, it’s journaling- except, it’s online. Who would’ve known, I’ve been doing it right since day 1! 

Overwhelming 

Coming out of a serious relationship, I’m left with ample time in my hands. I have parents who are too worried about my education to handle and I have zero idea about my tomorrows. For now, I’m going to the isha yoga centre in Coimbatore on 16th to attend a few programs and volunteer. As the name goes, it’s a yoga centre in India and it’s a foundation I find very genuine. I just want to spend some quality time away from home and the people that I’m used to. I don’t know what I’m going to do about the career part of my life. I’ve already gone almost a year without college and this year will make it two. I hope I figure something out soon. I don’t even know why I’m writing all this here. I guess I want somebody to hear me out and I want a place where I can hear myself out. This probably defeats the whole purpose of blogging. I still don’t understand this, But it’s okay. Everything’s overwhelming right now, in life. It seems like nothing’s happening, but there’s a lot going on. I hope the next time I write/ journal/ blog whatever- I’m another step ahead in understanding and getting out of my very own entanglements. Still alive and kicking…